Tuesday, July 08, 2008

THEORY OF THE SAKRAAT & BACHELOR WEDDING RING

Ok, Now this is gonna be an awesome post, Before I begin let me say that the events that are about to unfold in this article are true , only the characters are fictional. This must not be tried at home. Where shall we begin.


The Theory of Sakraat (IN A LOVE FORM)Sakraat, a very morbid term I should say. But let me tell you how this term was formulated back in the day. Now we all know that Sakraat in our connotation means on our deathbead. That time when all is gone, nothing to look forward to. Its just you and the four walls. You wouldnt mind breathing that last gasp of air and leaving this wretched world.






In a nutshell, Its bad, Its the worst place you want to be and f#4k it. Its f#4ken horrific

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. When a man is in love and he gets broken , he enters this realm of pain and death. He wants to just leave this horrible environment. He cant sleep, He cries, well some of them, He has constant pain. He feels his life is over and that no Women in the world can replace this wretched void that was left by the greatest Women in the world or man. Sakraat affects both species. Now myself , I must admit as much Badaams I have eaten , I got my Transval colours in Sakraat too Lol....Ive been there a few times....Very bad place,,,But F#4k it...lets not go there lol.

So anyway , we were walking on campus back in the day and we heard about this break up of one guy we knew. was checking his chick for 5 years or something. She f#4ken deleted him, in a F#4ken harsh way. We got there on the scene, and there he was. F#4ken Broken. Just staring with his mouth in the air, looking at the four walls, symbolic to an old women on her death bed, waiting to die.. We played Eye of the Tiger , Have the Fight ,Got the guts, got the glory...He cried. Great men of yesteryear have shed a tear in the path of love and Sakraat. Many songs have made a men kneel down, raise his hands in the air and scream as Arthur did in "FIRST NIGHT" WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

The greatest of hits and love songs have made that man or women shed a tear, Peter Cetera "O am your Man" Celine Dion, Peabo Bryson, REM Everybody hurts and even Braveheart.see more below
When you hear these tunes you sink deeper into Sakraat. To conclude readers of the blog. Every man and women out there has been through Sakraat or will get there. The lucky ones that havent, Will never understand this pain and horrrible realm of SAKRAAT.

SAKRAAT affects you in your later life, scientists have discovered. A man can be on his way, some recover , some never recover. Once we were at a public gathering, I was only but 6 months into rehab. F#4k I was even wearing a tshirt REHAB is 4 QUITTERS". All of a sudden, a bomb went off and like a recovering addict I craved for that hit, I went into silence. I needed that One F#4ken Hit.Just One F#4KEN Hit. This relapse in the state of rehabilitation was duelt termed after that as the "KABRASTAN EFFECT". Climbing out and f#4ken flying right back in. Many owes have experienced this lapse and they will vouge for it.

And Sakraat is a concept made worse by the people. The man will be fine. Three weeks on. he decides to admire a cloud formation. The guys come out and say. "Whet thef#4k. F#4k her.....She,....................Get over it..........."As I said Its the most horrible place to be and everyone has been there LOL.



Are you supposed to f#4ken feel better whan someone says:

-"Dont Worry, It happens for a reason". Now what the f3$k. Was that reason, pain, endless nights of no sleep and pain pain and more pain

- "When you love something,Set it free, If it comes back ...Shes yours". What the f#4k I didnt set her free, she released herself from the shackles. I f23ken did not set her free



-"You are better off without her". I mean f#4k now...Am I really better off. 5 years of pain and torture. i ask you am I really f#4ken better off



-There is plenty fish in the sea". Of course there is . But Great whites are becoming extinct. The Vaal dam has planty Barbers. And Blue Marlins well a truely sublime speciman but You have to pay a fucken fortune to catch them and you have to travel the far corners of the earth for this type of fish



-'Keep yourself Busy during Sakraat...An idle mind is the devils work shop". Ya f@3k sure. Every where I go I f#4ken see images of her, people tell me about her, How can you keep yourself busy when you just got mind f#4ked



A wise man once said :"A women is the most fragile and placid creature. She is dainty but yet she has the Power to bring even the Strongest man down on his knees"-UBG

SELLING YOUR SOUL DURING THE TIME OF SAKRAAT. An example
I mean how heartless and gutless can you be. One owe we knew mysteriously saw his three year relationship. He professed to her how much he loved her and what he will do for her. She still made up her mind that he must f#4k off. Now sometimes what SAKRAAT does it makes you sell your soul and do stupid things. Its the pain that drives you to these actions. Its the pain that makes a man sell his soul. Anyways he said he is gong going to kill himself and commit suicide. you know what she did. ...........................Wait for it.

She phoned him and said "I will bring the Gun, Where must I meet you" . Now is this not the epitomy of Sakraat.

THE NUMBER 1 ENEMY DURING THE TIME OF SAKRAAT
The Tactics of the BAILOH or Bailoh tactics
Now when you are done and dusted and you are in a severe state of sakraat you are obiously not in a good mental state of health, The one you love is gone and she never wants to see you again pending on the severity of your dismisal.
Now these are perfect hunting grounds for the biggest serpent,snake, coward, f23ken two faced enemy on the planet, better know as the Bailoh.
This is the perfect hunting ground for him. 99.99999% of the time the BAILOH is a person you know very well or someone lurking in the inside, he is never your enemy, EVEN YOUR ENEMY doesnt have the heart to do what the Bailoh wants to do. The B will follow your every move, he will cry with you during your time of pain, Then he will cunningly revert back to your loved one, He will be her shoulder to cry on becoz even though she hates you , she still loves you. He will satnd there like DEXTER SAINT JOCK, swinging his dick waiting for the ideal opportunity to arise like a Jackal.
The B will replicate and fill your void to the greatest of perfection. He will do everything that you cannot do because of your circumstances. He will F#4k you just as badly....and him being close to you the pain is more. Its like "Etu Brute" "And you to Brutus"


What the Bailoh fails to realise is that your loved one or dreaded x. will meet you and she will tell you everything, who is phoning, who wants to take her out and who bought her what for two reasons. One to PISS you the f#4k off and show you that she has moved on and two which is very rare, because she really f#4ken cares..

THEORY OF THE WEDDING RING
Now the Batchelors Wedding Ring has just been launched. And the following events are true, Women you might hate me for this post, But bare with me. Its the f#4ken truth.

To all the married, and engaged Swoosh0018 readers. I repeat "PLEASE DONOT LET YOUR HUSBANDS WEAR THAT BEAUTIFULL PIECE OF JEWELLERY CALLED THE WEDDING RING, Make the B@3trads take it out and leave it at home. Trust me you are safer with them wearing no ring.

Why!

Recently I was having some coffee at a very trendy place and on the table next to us were these 5 belters, badaams, pieces. really F#4ken attractive women. I knew one of them so we began chatting and duely joined them on their table. The topic went on and eventually the question was asked "What type of men are you looking for?

I was amazed when they said. "We only go after a man with a ring, a wedding band"

I said "WTF for. I mean his married." They said that "yes he is. But we are into married men, coz they are smooth, calm and collected, They are established, elegant and they know how to treat a women. "They are not hoengers (hungry dogs) like you guys. you guys walk in to a place hoping to land a women. Thats not we want. Yet a married man walks in and doesnt look at us or gives us attention or wants to buy us a drink. We always want what we cant have"

I said What the F#4k. I phoned Zahier Regal Jeweller. I told him bru, Design a ring for me. Its the one in the picture. We call it "The Batchelor Wedding Ring". I picked it up from Regals and now I have deployed this tactic. I flash that ring and I have been picking up more chics than ever before. Whats more, Hold up your nephew or niece or maybe push a pram and they will come sprawling to you. I kid you not.

THIS IS JUST A WARNING TO ALL MY MARRIED FEMALE FRIENDS. KEEP THE B@#TARDS AT HOME. Dont make them push prams, and dont let them wear those wedding rings. Dont even let them carry your handbags or change a diaper

Now you see when my Uncle always says..."Newlyweds donot hold your wifes handbag and try to be that really caring Husband"

He meant what he said and as Hamlet once said "There is method in his madness"









WANT TO PICK UP CHICS

Buy the Batchelors Wedding Ring.Available at Regal Jewellers in the Oriental Plaza
While Stocks last

Be part of this amazing new method to make women fall at your feet. For accessories, Camp Cots and Prams are available at Stylez international and Wits underwear. Hurry and start dating and rid yourself from Sakraat for good

WARNING: This is a very sensitive post. No Personal attacks on anyone will be tolerated lol..No Im serious. This is a theorem and not a Panchaat Column. We dont want to know who broke who etc. Let the victims speak about the theory etc.

ALL COMMENTS WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED..SO DONT TAKE OFFENSE IF YOUR COMMENTS ARE NOT UP

10 comments:

  1. Great Post Swoosh.

    I know some guys STILL suffering from Sakraat.

    The best cure for Sakraat is : EMINEM

    Don't get me wrong,
    I love these hoes,
    It's no secret,
    Everybody knows,
    Can't we fuck?
    Bitch so what?
    That's about as far as your buddy goes,
    We'll be friends,
    I'll call you again,
    I'll chase you around every bar you attend,
    Never know what kind of car i'll be in,

    We'll see how much you'll be partying then,
    You don't want that,
    Neither do I,
    I don't wanna flip when I see you with guys,
    Too much pride,
    Between you and I,
    Not a jealous man, but females lie,
    But I guess that's just what sluts do,
    How could it ever be just us two?
    Never loved you enough to trust you,
    We just met and I just fucked you,
    But I do know one thing though,
    Bitches they come they go,
    Saturday through Sunday monday,
    Monday through Sunday yo,
    Maybe I'll love you one day,
    Maybe we'll someday grow,
    'Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin runway hoe...


    ABR

    ReplyDelete
  2. A truly class post..
    Reminds me of my blogging days..

    Will most def distribute..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Puttner i'll keep my comments waiting till i see you later and stop dishing the married okes secrets out, this day will be remebered as the day the vrou's stop the hubbies from wearing their rings, spoke to Regal and they said you ordered two???

    ReplyDelete
  4. i think you bored

    ReplyDelete
  5. swoosh get a life and find a wife

    ReplyDelete
  6. a once crazee sakaraatiTuesday, 08 July, 2008

    has lots of meanings ..

    But at the end of it all when you do look back you know the sorry ass biatch was never ever worth the effort, not the time.

    Most of all a sakaraati wastes money to get his pyaar back.

    Dont ever worry after it all she moves on but still at back her mind compares new guy to you.
    most cases she find some stupid thing to make her feel betterbut deep down she regrets but bcos she a woman she will never admit

    ReplyDelete
  7. Im opening up a shop called SAKRAATIES ha ha...

    will put Sokrates in its back pocket.

    Also we are launching the SAKRAAT Hits for the broken owes. Best and most painful love songs on offer

    T.Q.S
    The Quwatul Saatie

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude you sound really experienced in this

    "Although she hates you she still lves you?"

    what a load of hogshit. You keep telling yourself that.

    IF SHE LOVED YOU SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU
    MOVE ON DUDE

    ReplyDelete
  9. brilliant post.reminds me of my buddy now.keep it coming

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sakraat- brilliant analogy - there is no other word that describes the awful pain that you endure.

    The most horrendous part is that Malakul Maut( the one that ripped your soul apart and deliberately flung you into the deepest, darkest, serpent infested abyss) doesn't even give a f** N shit.

    ReplyDelete

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