I was in Fordsburg getting a haircut yesterday, and i happened to bump into UBG the legendary Uncle Bhai Gora for those that did not know.. The bali was der catching up on some last minute shopping and had items such as Complan, Weet Bix, USN Anabolic Nitro and some fine badaam for badaam milk.. I asked him for some Ramadaan tips, as you must always seek knowledge from the elders and the wise.. And the following pearls are what he conjoured up in our brioef meeting.. The following, are 10 things UBG says, to stay away from in Ramjaan aka Ramadaan..
1. THE 30 DAY MUSALEE
Now this is a chap that you only see in the masjid 30 days of the year.He comes with a vengeance like he has been training for 335 days of the year.He doesnt read namaaz except Juma.In Ramadaan he surfaces on the 1st nite of taravee.His forte is to handle and bliksim the litys in the back.He acts like a buzrooq that has beeen paben in his salaat for years.He acts like he wakes up and reads fajr.
He even looks at you like you a sinner and you dont belong in the masiet.To conclude he is the litys worst nitemare..
2. THE BURPER FROM THE SUB CONTINENT
OK,Fine Im biased .But the guys from the subcontinent are the ones to avoid during salaat or Taravee. Imagine enduring a burper for 20 rakaats and the whole nite.Its torture.These okes dont care.They are uncouthed. They burph and belch with trebble and acoustics that even the Maseet Sound System cant drown. Its horrific.Its like when Bear Grills kills a Skunk. You get to smell what al Mehraan made for Iftaar with the jaffron (saffron).. Its really horric..
3.THE BEGGAR WID NO JAMIAT LETTER
Now these guys you must stay away from.They dont work,they put on a torpie and play with a Tasbee and ask for donations. They dont have a Jamiat letter.Where do they come from.My shop feels like Soccer City in Ramadaan during 2010. Beggars form Africa,Asia, and even Mexico and the rest of the World.And when you dont give these owes money or you say "Do you have a Jamiat letter" They look at you like you wrong and you owe them money.And they hiss and cuss and say Allah must give you Hidayat etc.Its simple.No letter no money and get the hell out of the Shop.. They are thieves and cons and masters at dressing up as muslims.
4.SANDTON AND THE KAJOOR EFFECT
Oh this one is hard.How many times I see my fellow married friends struggling and they have the thousand yard stare.
Its the only time aside form the World Cup they say Swoosh bhai and KiLLa bhai,Make shukr you guys are single. The Badaams and hotties are everywhere.You have no food and abstinance and Nafs play with you.Who says the Shaytaans are locked up
No Sir.His lities have come out to play.. The other thing about Sandton and other malls is the WAGS of the Saaaties.They portray the English Wags.They walk in every Shop..How did they do it.Arnt they fasting.The men take a beating.They Curse.They suffer form fatigue and the Kajoor effect.. The WAGS Storm out of Wooolworths.If the Jamiat was FIFA They should ban the WAGS of the Saaties form Shopping.. And we sit back and say.Lucky we Single.Its the one time you lucky you single..
5.PLACES OF THE EASTERN BLOCK IN SOUTH AFRICA
Now dont be fooled.You have the ssumption that during tehse 30 days,such places will be quiet.. So you think lemme go swipe my card and have a workout.. But how many guys are thinking like you.. My suggestion bhai..If you dont wana be seeen by fellow community members in such places.Stay away and Sacrifice during these 30 days..
6.THE EMAILING OF BILLU AND THE KAJOOR EFFFECT
Imagine reading emails that consist of Politics and current events.Who wants to read of Cosatu and chain mails.send this to ten people and your fast will be easier.. Many men will suffer in the electronic World..
7.THE TOPPIE BY THE FAN
Now your parents always tell you.Dont go to places where there is trouble.You asking for it..That section in the Mosque where there are fans are guarded by perhaps the most tempremental and agro human being you will find.. He guards that section as if it were a precious jewel.No one should come near him or no one should control teh fan but him.. He waits like a praying Mantis .And the poor toppie that feels hot or cold goes and tamper with the fan...Curtains.Its like the Royal Rumble.. A new toppie gets embroiled every minute.. Stay away from this Toppie and stay away from the Fan..
8.GHIBAT AT THE BARBER SHOP
Its a month of Sabr and patience and cleanliness.You go to the Barber Shop and you hear the stories.. Who did what and who has Ulcers and is not fasting.and who is checking who and who got 3 bars and 4 bars and who did who down.Not in this month.You dont see Supersport showing Basket Ball when it was 2010..
9.PLAZA ON SUNDAY BEFORE EID
If YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE BULLS then go to Plaza on the Sunday before Eid.Its more busier then the running of the Bulls in Pamplona.. This deserves a post on its own.. Rumour has it, that this year, a facility the size of a Hajj terminal will be built to cater for the crowds..
10. THE 30 DAY AALIM CRASH COURSE
Who needs 6 years of gruelling studying and sacrifice and knowledge gathering.. Just log on to Twitter and Mawroo Kitaab aka Facebook and do the 30 day crash course.. Okes that have been posting pics of naangee poyrees all day now do the hadith a day segment.. And chicks who used to PMS about how their boss ruins their everyday life now specialise in Tafsir.. They will slam the Jumuah Khutbah Molisaap's and think they the next Date (taariq) Ramadan.. Some will even resort to answering maslah's and correcting the Taravee imaam..
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